Psyc 3356 Design and Analysis

Ok, so, does anyone who reads this blog take that course (see title)?! I have tutorial hours Tuesday and Thursday mornings at 9 AM, and I haven't gotten a single person showing up to them. Should I change them?! If anyone takes the course and has some feedback, hit me with a comment... Yo... *Wikee wikee* ... *Wikee wikee* ... *Wikee wikee* Small time. P-e-ace.

A Good Friend Said This

"It's so much more important to figure out who you want to be rather than what you want to be..."

Thoughts on today

There's a Mel Gibson look a like that keeps coming through here. Oh crap, I'm staring at him, and I think he notices.

Why's Alex limping?

I've got to stop sitting next to the map. It's so creepy when people lean in to look, and almost rest their head on my shoulder.

I hope that guy doesn't see me, I owe him money.

Nice pants.

Slacker.

I'm a jerk.

Man people walk funny...

My thumb is losing circulation.

That guy sounds like Tom Cruise.

April is here. April is gone.

"Circle of friends" - Counting Crows... Good tune...

Thank you for recycling.

Shut up Langan. HA!

There are only two messages there. Why are you standing there for SO long. Finally, sat down.

Cute girl next to me.

I Love the Brown Lounge.

Grad School

Lately, I've been knee deep in thought, pursuing the idea that my undergrad will likely end, and that I may have to actually do something with myself after the celebrations have ended.

I am in the Lovely position of being able to do, essentially, whatever I like. I went to a career counsellor not too long ago, asking them to help give me some direction. And she laughed and went over all the reasons I could do anything. I have pretty good grades, a research background, a charming personality (I put that in there, not her... Hehehe...), the works right? What's a boy to do... Ever since I was little, my mom, my dad, my teachers, even my sister; they all encouraged me. Always letting me know that if I put my mind to things, I can get shit done. I'm paraphrasing, but whatever. Haha!!

Only recently have I began to discover limitations, and honestly, they seem internal. A current figure in my Life that is amongst the most encouraging, is my thesis supervisor Matti. He's the guy who roped me into the lab in first year, and through Love and charisma kept me around... He's an avid supporter of graduate researcher. Master's, PhD's, all that jazz. Of course, he stresses the neuroscience route. Haha!! And for a moment, he almost convinced me.

But moments are fleeting, especially that one. I understand research. I appreciate research. I may even be good at it. But brother, I don't like it. Haha!! I try and be objective, so I try and argue in a pro stance with regards to research. The only reason I could see myself going into research, despite my personal distaste for it, is the fact that I might be good at it; that I might make a difference. But what kind of difference would that be? A few significant differences amongst a pool of studies that bring us micrometres amongst light years towards the truth?

And maybe I'm just trying to convince myself again; trying to rationalize my decision, but... I'd like to hope that a happy me would be far more productive, far more beneficial to you, to my friends, to my family, to society; regardless of my role. Wouldn't we all be better off if I were a happy humble post-man, as opposed to me being a cranky frazzled researcher? I'd like to think so.

When I first decided to at least go to university, the plan was to get my PhD in clinical, and become a registered psychologist. Pretty big ambitions for a high school graduate. I almost made it too... Haha!! But clinical psychology is tough to get into, and I've recently learned that it is VERY research oriented. Practicing psychologists are supposed to be pushing out research studies. No thanks. There goes that dream. But... I still want to help people, I'm still a good listener with good interpersonal skills, and I like to think I'm "wise" and could share useful advice. I think I connect with people. I'd like to still do that.

So, there are a couple of counselling psychology programs that I'm going to apply to. Only them, because, again, why should I do something that doesn't make me happy? No GREs, just marks and a few applications. I think there's an interview for one of them too. And if I don't get into them? Well... Then I find something else; something else that makes me happy.

So this doesn't become just another anti-research rant for me, I'll share some links you might find useful.

http://www.nipissingu.ca/graduatestudies/graduatestudies_funding.asp
http://www.ets.org/portal/site/ets/menuitem.3a88fea28f42ada7c6ce5a10c3921509/?vgnextoid=85b65784623f4010VgnVCM10000022f95190RCRD

Potentially, there is a lot of planning, forms, and applications to go through. If you are interested, start as early as you can. Like, by the beginning of fourth year, if you know what you want to do... Well... You'd be more fortunate than I. :)

And This Is Where You Make A Choice

So... Let's see where this all started...

Anyone who knows me, knows I do Yoga; knows I Love Yoga. Just Hatha stuff. Master the physical before you master the spiritual. So, you're supposed to wait three hours after eating before you do it. Usually that's not a problem, but I ate dinner early, and was super tired and took a little nap, so, I missed all the "waking" hours of the day to do it.

So, I'm sitting downstairs on the computer, and I look at the time (around 10:30 PM) and I say "Ya know what? I should just do my Yoga now. Fuck convention. I'll be up anyways!"

So I march up to my room, all proud and strong, ready to get into it. The first pose is real loud. It's a breathing pose. It has the ability to wake people up in the next room, i.e., my mom, who's a light sleeper to begin with.

I stand in front of my door, and I stop. I say to myself "And This Is Where You Make A Choice." And it wasn't much of a choice, and I don't think I fully understood what my motivations were for not doing my Yoga. Probably laziness, but post-hoc, I like to say I'm considerate of other people's sleeping habits.

But what I really want to get at, is how long it's been since I've acknowledged that I could make a choice. Before university, I "made choices" left right and centre. I would choose for the sake of choosing, manipulating my behaviour and environment just to get a change. And most importantly, I believed it was my choice to make. I believed I was in control of something; of myself.

Then university hit. Stuck in a neuroscience lab with nothing but logic and neurons. Behaviour is just an expression of the brain. Choice is just an illusion your brain creates to make that feeling of "self" and "consciousness" feel important. And the quotation marks set in... Ugh... Three years essentially of being drilled with the idea that I'm just a biological machine. Oh, but it's a beautiful thing. Something so intricate, so complex, yet, so basic. I'm a miracle out of control! Fuck that. It's not beautiful. It sucks. It tears away all the meaning, all the Life, all the humanity. I don't care if it is just an illusion, I want to believe again. I want to believe in the self, in consciousness, in soul, in choice.

And this is where cognitive dissonance sets in. Here I'm stuck. The scientist in me knows that I can't measure mind. I can't touch it. It's seen the data, the research. Fuck, I've done some of it! I know we're just cogs sewn together.

But there's this other part of me that feels I mean something more. And even if it's a lie, it almost seems a worthwhile ignorance to have. To believe I can make a difference, that I can be good or bad, and that it is I who chooses. I don't want to be another domino. I don't want to go with the flow anymore. I want to read and react. I want to be a believer again, even if I'm just believing in myself; or the will of humans.

Cause that's important to me. One of the reasons I'm not "religious" per se, is that I Love people. I find them interesting, strange, mysterious, beautiful. They're so damn neat!! Haha!! You see people everywhere though. Often, in a bad light. And, I don't want to believe in God, because I want to believe in people. If there is a God, great. But I want humans to fix our own mistakes, and take responsibility for our actions, cause, I know we can?

And the scientist in me says "No Nick... You believe we can. You hope we can."

So now, is the beginning of something old, as I revert to a previous state of self. I believe in people. I have hope for people. I believe in myself. I have hope for myself. And this is my choice. Enjoy.